Falling in love with an illusion

Love is a hormonal or chemical reaction in our body. So why does it sometimes hurt so much? Couldn’t there be a pill invented to just fall out of love? Oh how I wish that was true.

But is love always “Love”? Sorry to say but most times it isn’t. True love is something totally different from what we sometimes think is love.

Most times we fall in love with an illusion.

The beginning of a relationship is always so great. The girls is always fixing herself up for her guy. And the guy acts like a total gentleman and everything the girl ever dreamed of. But is this who they really are? Of course not. People aren’t perfect. We all have flaws and some more than others. But since in the beginning we can’t see those flaws in others a veil is set over our eyes and we end up falling in love with the illusion of who these people are. We don’t listen to the warning signs around us that tell us what is underneath. So we fall in “Love”. Or at least that’s what it feels like.

Time goes by and we fall deeper and deeper into needing this person in our lives. We create a person in our minds who is perfect and everything we wanted. They are now on a pedestal  in our hearts and mind.

The problem with this is that no one can live up to that illusion we have created in our heads. They will make mistakes and they will hurt us sometimes. We aren’t ready for that let down and our image of them becomes scrambled.

Then later we find out that it was all an illusion and as we see them walk out the door or find ourselves walking out of the door we are overcome with a sense of grief.

When a person dies you bury them and grieve for them. But how can you bury an illusion? It is impossible to bury something that is not real. So the grief process is now longer. It’s harder. Because first you have to find a way to accept the fact that this person you built up never even existed. You have to kill the illusion and then bury the relationship. Unfortunately this makes the grieving process is twice as long.  

So how do you know if you are in love with an illusion or the real thing?

Step 1: Does the person live up to the hype or does he/she constantly let you down?

If they are constantly letting you down then probably you have unrealistic expectations of who they are. And either you face reality and learn to love who this person really is or you need to let him/her go.

Step 2: Do you give as much as you want to get back?

Most people with this problem might actually have realistic expectations and is not in love with an illusion. The problem is sometimes YOU who wants and wants but doesn’t live up to the illusion he/she has from you.

(Example: In my previous relationship I wanted and expected my significant other to spend quality time together and come closer everyday. When she never seemed to make time for me I shut down and stopped being the man she wanted. If she had found the time to spend with me her illusion of me would have stayed real and I would have kept being that great guy)

Step 3: Do you expect for things to never change?

A big problem with people is that they don’t understand a simple truth of life. Things are ever-changing. Nothing stays the same for more than a second. Our emotions are a roller-coaster. Our lives are out of our control. Time doesn’t stop. And who we are changes constantly even as we sleep.

So how can people expect others to not change in who they are. We are growing and becoming better. Unfortunately some people are growing and becoming worse. So before making plans about the perfect life with your significant other you need to place your feet firmly on the ground and ask yourself. “Do I love this person enough that if he/she changes into something bad I will still love him/her and stay with them through the bad and keep trying to help. Or do I have unrealistic expectations that he/she will ALWAYS stay this way and never change?

Step 4: Can you see their flaws?

Can you see their flaws and see your S.O. for all their good and bad? If you can and can accept how the negative makes you feel  vs  how the positive makes you feel then you are on the right track. You are falling in love with the person and not the illusion. If you can’t then  you are falling in love with an illusion.

Now let’s fast forward a little into the future. You have gone through all the ups and downs in your relationship. You have opened your eyes and seen who this person is and seen the reality of the situation. All the good and the bad has come and gone. You are realistic and know that staying with this person might mean more hurt or might mean a great life full of love.

Knowing all this you still want to be with this person because you love them with all their qualities and defects. Now you can be sure you LOVE him/her. The only question to ask yourself is this: Does he/she love you the same way? Has he seen you at your worse and still love you enough to say “I love you and still want a life with you”. If you can both say that then and mean it 100% then you are one step further to a real and honest relationship filled with understanding and love.

One person can’t carry a relationship. Many therapist say it’s a 50-50 effort. I am here to tell you they are wrong. It’s a 100-100 effort. You BOTH give it your all or you both fail miserably.

Fall in love with the person not the illusion. Everyone is flawed. But if you have found someone where you can see his flaws and still every bit of your heart wants to be with him/her and nothing can keep you away no matter how hard you try. RUN don’t walk into their arms. That is what love is all about. Reality not Disney magic.