Happiness Within

Everything you need to be happy is within you.

This last statement needs to be understood and accepted as true before you can understand it. Everything you need to be happy is within YOU. So many times we create attachments and dependencies on people or material items. We start needing acceptance from strangers through facebook or other social networks. We need acceptance from friends, family , significant others, etc. These dependencies are created in our minds but they aren’t real. They are just thoughts. And as logic tells us, thoughts are ever-changing and our lives are ever-changing. So these dependencies are just illusions in our minds. We don’t need anything from anyone or anything. All we need to be happy is in us.

Happiness is a state of emotion. It is a chemical balance in our body. So how can we find our happiness in ourselves? This is the hard part especially if you are a needy or dependent person. But it is possible.

The most important step is to fix your body. As I said before happiness is a chemical balance. The “Happy Chemicals” that give us that sense of happiness are Dopamine, Endorphin, Oxytocin, Serotonin.

Let’s start with the most important one in my opinion: Endorphins are produced in our bodies when we exercise. This causes us to feel happier with ourselves and become more productive. So step one in fixing your body is to start an exercise program. And YES the stronger and more challenging the program the better it will be for you. Give it a try for just 5 days and you will see the results almost immediately. The biggest problem here is that when you aren’t happy you don’t have the energy to begin or even get out of bed to start exercising. But you need to force yourself to do it. Once you do it begins to get easier. Remember a body in motion tends to stay in motion while a body at rest tends to stay at rest.

The next one is dopamine. No it doesn’t mean you need to get doped on drugs. Hehehe. First let’s understand what dopamine is. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter that helps control the brain's reward and pleasure centers. Dopamine also helps regulate movement and emotional responses, and it enables us not only to see rewards, but to take action to move toward them. So if we are trying to reach our goals (like finding happiness) and keep failing at it this might be the reason.

So how do we increase the levels of dopamine in our brain? There are 3 sure ways of doing it.

1-      EXERCISE. Yes I’m sorry but exercising doesn’t only help with endorphins it also helps with dopamine.

2-      EATING HEALTHY. When depressed people either stop eating or overeat. Both decrease your levels of dopamine so you need to stay healthy. A healthy body is a happy body.

3-      SLEEP at least six to eight hours each night. If you are suffering from insomnia then a calming Tea or sleeping pills might be needed. But get your rest. You will need it. Careful with sleeping too much as well because it isn’t healthy either.

Now we come to Oxytocin: Oxytocin is a powerful hormone. When we hug or kiss a loved one, oxytocin levels drive up. It also acts as a neurotransmitter in the brain. In fact, the hormone plays a huge role in pair bonding. So how do we keep this one in check? Simple don’t shut people out of your life. Let your loved ones hug you or pat you on the back. Surround yourself with people. If you are not so sociable then do charity work. You will see the pleasure you will find in helping others and see the admiration in their eyes. It will help and bring your happiness level up.

Last but not least is Serotonin: This is a touchy one. Most people don’t take care of themselves enough to increase their serotonin level on their own so they need medication.

To better understand this I leave you with this link so you can have a fuller understanding on how to increase your serotonin level. It all comes down to a healthy diet and an active lifestyle. Click on this link for a better understanding: http://www.marksdailyapple.com/serotonin-boosters/

So, now that we understand that all happiness really is a chemical balance in our body what is our first step? To get up and fix ourselves. Time won’t do it. Other’s won’t do it. Medicines help. But if we aren’t willing to get up and start fixing ourselves then we are doomed to stay in the hole we put ourselves in.

Nobody has the power to hurt us. We give others that power by allowing them to do it. So it is all in us. We need to pick ourselves up and start taking care of ourselves, love ourselves, and change our view of ourselves. Only then will we start being happy again.

Happiness is in YOU. Just find it. Get up TODAY. Don’t wait till tomorrow. It gets harder each day so make the decision right now. Get up and go.

Good Luck and remember, if you need a friend my email is always open: unknownphilosopherdreamer@gmail.com

Grabbing a Spoon

Years ago I saw an episode of Friends where Ross is upset because of his divorce and just doesn’t know what to do. In the end after he gets the courage to ask Rachel out he seems happier and at ease. When his sister asks why he says “I grabbed a spoon” Basically meaning he mustered up the courage to grab a spoon and try another type of ice-cream.

This weekend I was talking to my brother and told him I was afraid. Afraid of starting over from zero. His response made me realize something that made me wake up. He said, “After a divorce and some bad relationships and having gotten hurt so much by women who cheated and mistreated you, don’t you think you are actually at a much higher point than zero? You now know what to watch out for, what you want, what you don’t want, etc. NOW you are a full person and much wiser than before.”

It’s not about starting over. It’s about moving forward now that you have grown. You are not starting from zero, you are scarred and your battle wounds have made you into a stronger human being. You now have courage for having gone through a depression, a bad break up, a heartbreak, a divorce, a rape, an abuse, or anything else. You are not damaged, you are stronger. Like a warrior showing his wounds that has made him into a strong man who knows more about life than a child who is starting out. This is who we are. We are warriors in a battle of the heart. Warriors in a battle of the mind. Warriors in our courage to say “I am still standing”.

How great is it to be alive and scarred to the point that we can give others advice and help them through their pain, because we have been there and survived.

So now it’s time to grab a spoon. Now it’s time to say I have survived and I am still alive. I will move forward.

Moving forward and grabbing that spoon could mean letting your self be vulnerable again (with caution) and having a relationship again. Although it doesn’t necessarily mean having a relationship, it could mean so much more. Grab your own spoon and try your different flavors of icecreams. Your flavor could mean moving to a new city, changing jobs, going back to college, forgiving the people who hurt you, writing a best seller, starting a new hobby, getting in shape, and even better a number of these put together. Your flavor of ice-cream won’t be the same flavor as mine or anyone else because you are unique and wonderful in your scars.

Grab your spoon today. Have the courage to smile at life and look forward to trying out new flavors of ice-cream. Some might not be your taste but that is the beauty of exploring who you are. Through introspection comes wisdom and happiness.

Have fun trying your ice-cream and if you ever need a friend my email will always be available. unknownphilosopherdreamer@gmail.com  

Baby Steps to a Better Tomorrow

It is very difficult to start over in life. I myself am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel yet it seems so faint and far away that at times I feel like I will never be able to reach it.

The darkness that surrounds us during these times of depression or hopelessness, blind us in a way that everything seems hopeless. It is devastating to walk around blind and to top it all off you have no energy to even pick yourself up to try to help yourself.

This is what is called “Rock Bottom”. The point in your life where there is no way to go but up. So now that we are at this point what other choice do we have. There is no point further down. So all there is to do is start climbing.

One thing I have learned from a new friend I have acquired, who has been like an angel on my shoulder these past few weeks, is that the little accomplishments are big accomplishments. I wake up to a message from her asking how I am feeling and when I tell her I’m fine she is overjoyed because that is one morning which I didn’t wake up crying. She makes me realize that this little baby step is a big accomplishment and congratulates me on it. It makes me feel like a baby but it also makes me realize that I am on the road to recovery. I honestly don’t know what I would do without her at my side right now.

Those little accomplishments you do like finally getting out of bed. Finally going out for a coffee or a drink or meal with a friend. Finally exercising again. Finally smiling without having to force it. These accomplishments are BIG accomplishments even if to others it is nothing.

Oh how I wish there was a magic pill that could just make us wake up one morning and all the hurt and sadness would be gone. But hence since there is no magic pill we have to perform this magic on us. And each little accomplishment is a little pill which works its magic.

Be proud of those little accomplishments. If you cry every day and then one day find yourself at the end of the day and realize you haven’t cried? Be proud of yourself. If you haven’t been able to get out of bed and one day find yourself dressed and pressed and out grocery shopping? Be proud of yourself. All these little accomplishments are great accomplishments when you are in a state of depression or sadness. It means you are gaining strength.

I love how my friend makes me open my eyes by telling me “A week ago you wouldn’t have accepted an invitation to coffee and look where we are?” It just made me smile because I realized she was right. I hadn’t noticed how broken I was or how bad it had gotten and today I am finally opening my eyes to reality and I understand just how bad I have been.

If your baby steps are little things like finally opening up a book and reading again, finally going out for a run again, finally getting out of bed and showering, finally smiling again, finally being around people again, finally forgiving yourself, finally forgiving others, finally going through one day without crying or any little baby step you can give, then you should be proud of yourself.  These little baby steps are the little magic pills we need for a better tomorrow. So keep giving those baby steps and find that light at the end of the tunnel and keep on running, walking or crawling towards it. 

Bless you all. 

How To Live With The Pain

Many times people want to get rid of the pain they feel without succeeding. It’s not about getting rid of the pain, it’s about learning to live with the pain until the pain goes away by itself.

To be able to live with pain you must first identify what it is that is causing you pain.

Most times pain comes from desire or attachment. You desire something you can’t have or you are attached to something that has been taken away from you.

If you can understand the reason for your pain you can have a better grip on your reality and it will be easier to face. As they say “If you can name your demon he loses his power” So step one will be to understand the root of you pain.

Ask yourself a series of questions: Why do I cry? What is the real reason that I am sad?

Don’t try to blame others for your pain. Nobody has the power to hurt you unless you give them that power. So the root of your pain is in you.

Now that you have taken the time to understand where your pain is coming from it is time to create detachment.

Detachment comes from a frame of mind that alters your reality. You become addicted to something or someone or an emotion. You don’t really need it, but in your reality you think you do. So now it’s time to change your frame of mind. This is a very difficult thing to do and it takes time and patience.  

First you need to prove to yourself that you don’t need this person, thing or emotion (We will call it the x factor from now on) to be happy.  The way to do this is to find happiness in other things that have nothing to do with the x-factor. If your x-factor is a person then most likely this person made you feel a certain way which is what your attachment is based on. So first understand that it’s not the person you are attached to but the emotion you felt. This can easily be balanced and substituted. Not by jumping into another relation but by finding things that make you feel good about yourself without the need for others. Begin a hobby, a sport, read, find a better job, change your lifestyle. Anything that you need to do to substitute that amazing feeling you used to have for an even better feeling caused only by YOU. This is the first step to detachment.

Second you need to stop thinking of the x-factor. It doesn’t matter if it was a death in the family or a breakup or a rape or anything that is causing you pain. You need to stop letting it flood your mind. Whatever happened is already gone and in the past. You need to live your present and as painful and as real as it was it is not part of your present, so don’t dwell on it.

This is easier said than done. But it is possible. You need to mold your mind into a brand new way of thinking to be able to do this. Every time the thought starts to creep into your mind let it come. But keep it in check. Don’t try to fight against the pain, but rather understand it as a healing process. Imagine if you are trying to clear your mind and meditate but there is a drip in the faucet that won’t let you concentrate. The more you try to ignore it the more it will bother you because you are giving it the importance it doesn’t deserve. So rather than ignore it listen to it and realize how stupid it is to make it important and let your  mind forget about it all on its own. Same thing with what pains you. Let the thought enter your mind but don’t let it dwell. Realize it’s not something real and it is only something from your past and let your mind let it go all on its own. You are in control of your mind and thoughts. Don’t let your emotions control your mind.

Third and last. Understand that the pain you feel will leave a scar. It will take a long time for you to heal completely but you will heal. The scar left is the memory you will keep forever. And whenever you see the scar you will remember the event or whatever left the scar and it might be a bitter memory but that’s all it will end up being. Just a memory.

Control your emotions and don’t let them control your thoughts. Live in the moment and not in the past or the future. 

Making The Right Choice

Making right choices are one of the hardest things to do. The small choices we make seem easy but build up into a bigger choice where it becomes overwhelming.
Most people today especially teenagers choose selfishly thinking only in the immediate consequence. They tend to forget that in the long run these actions always come back and with a vengance.
So as adults or teenagers always making the right choice is a must. So how do we do it?
I am a big believer of following your heart, but when making the right choice you need your brain to act as well. Making the right choice is taking into consideration not only your feelings at the moment but the feelings of others. It is taking into account your future and how it will be changed. If you have children it is taking into account their lives and their feelings. It is taking into account what will make you happy. It is taking into account simply, if it is the right thing to do.

So here are some simple questions to ask yourself when facing a big decision:
1- Will it make you happy?
This first one is basically following your heart and listening to what you really want. If the decision you make will make you happy and has the potential to bring you a lifetime of happiness then it is a good decision from the start.

2- Will your decision hurt others?
If your decision will hurt others then it's probably a wrong decision. But there is a loophole here. If whatever you decide will hurt someone either way then you can't base your decision on this. You need to weigh the pros and cons and decide: "If I will hurt someone either way then I need to decide for me and not for them." (see step 1) Try your best to not hurt anyone but make the decision for yourself. What does your heart tell you and what do you desire. Trying to do the right thing for others is great but you have to think about yourself once and a while or you will live a misearable life.

3- How will your decision affect your future?
If your decision will bring you the happiness and peace you have always wanted into your future then there is no time to waste. Yes decisions are scary and sometimes they backfire on us. But the regret of not giving yourself the chance to fight till the end is a worse feeling. Always fight for what you love and go for it. If you fall again and again you can pick yourself up again and again. But decide always on what you want. Don't give up on your dreams.

4- Is it worth it?
Many times the decisions we make aren't worth it. Aren't worth the hurt or the people we hurt. But many times the choices we make end up being worth it all. The hardest choices are usually the ones that take us to greatness. That lead us forward through hardships but into a very happy and bright future.
The greatest castles are built on sweat and blood and strong stones. Those obstacles we go through are the stones, the tears are the sweat, the fears are our blood and the castle is our reward. If it is worth it, then fight for it.
Have a Good Monday everyone. Make good choices today. Tomorrow might be too late.

How To Let Someone Down Easy

Having to let someone go is a very difficult situation. You don't want to hurt the person but at the same time you know you don't love them so it's time to let them go.
How do you do it?
Honesty is always the best solution. Be honest at all times and don't sugar coat anything.
If you are not in love with the person you are with then it's time to tell him/her the truth. The more you sugar coat it the more hope you give the person. That is a No-No.

• Step 1: Make a decision.

Once you have made up your mind make sure it will stay made up. No amount of begging in the moment will make you go back on your resolve. If you have decided that you are not in love with the person you are with or even worse that you are in love with someone else, then tell them the truth. In the long run it is better appreciated and easier to accept. If you try to use the age old cliche of "It's not you it's me." Or even worse than that one "I just don't know what I want" Then you are not being honest. A straight "I don't love you and I have to be true to my heart." "I am in love with someone else and it has nothing to do with you or anything you have done wrong. The heart wants what the heart wants." These are truthful honest answers and explanations. It hurts in the moment but is better in the long run.

• Step 2: Don't argue or drag it out.

The longer you take to talk to the person after you have obviously made the decision the more you will hurt yourself and the person you are with.
Don't waste another minute. Make an appointment to see this person in a public place where there will be no place for yelling or drama. Tell them straight out and don't worry about their feelings in the moment. Be firm in your decision and let them understand this is YOUR decision and not up for discussion.

• Step 3: Be true to your heart

This I can't say enough. If you don't love a person don't be with the person. If you are trying to convince yourself to fall in love with that person because he/she is nice or you are lonely don't be with that person. Love comes within. If you love someone then RUN to that person and fight for that love. Never stay in a loveless relationship. Everyone deserves to be truly loved and to love truly. So make the right decisions.

• Step 4: Don't feel bad about your decision

If you are with a person you don't love anymore or never did then trust me you have made the right choice. They deserve to be with someone who will love them for them. And you deserve to be with the person you love and loves you back. They will find someone else and so will you. But never stay with someone for more than a second longer after you have found out that you are not in love and will never fall in love with that person.

• Step 5: Cut out all communications

After you have done the dead, give yourself a few days to breathe. Make sure you have cut out all communications with this person for good. No staying friends for now. Friendship can be rebuilt later if both parties are in agreement. But for now NO CONTACT. Let the water simmer down and let him/her breathe and let what happened sink in. I would say at least 3 weeks of no contact.

NOW: Last step. FOLLOW YOUR HEART.

Is There Life After Love?

Is there such a thing as life after love? After a heart has been broken into so many pieces that you believe you will never be able to stand again. Is there life after a heartbreak like that? Many people have seen it through. Has seen the light at the end of the tunnel and seen it work.

But while the heart-break is still there can there be hope? My answer unfortunately is no.

“Time heals all wounds” Ugghh how I hate that statement. But like it or not it’s true. The more time goes by the easier it is to forget and let go. But trying to cover the wound with another relationship is the worst thing anyone could ever do.  Even if you convince yourself that you are ready for a relationship with someone else while your ex is in the back of your mind, then you are in for a world of hurt.

Still feeling hurt by someone or even worse, being in love with someone while dating someone else is only postponing the inevitable. Sooner or later you will have to face the fact that you are in love. You will be comparing the new person in your life with the one who still resides in your heart. This isn’t fair for you, for the one you are with or to the one you actually love.

Let’s imagine for a minute that you are still in love with this person that broke your heart. You might run into the arms of another person either to hurt your ex or to seek comfort. Either way you are making a mistake. Love is not about seeking comfort. Love is about fighting for the person you want to be with.

People have the power to change. It is in all of us to change and become better. So why not give love a chance until there is no love left. Paulo Coelho wrote it best when he wrote; “If it’s still in your mind, it is worth taking the risk” I will always give the same advice. Fight for the ones you love. Even if it takes a million tries. Fight for the ones you love. Once the love is gone there will be no reason to fight. Then you move on.

So is there life after love? YES there is. But only after the love in you has died. Then it is time to move on and find love again. But while that flame still burns, please don’t hurt yourself trying to ignite another flame with someone who just doesn’t have the right fuse. Your heart is already ignited. Fight for that flame. Fight for that love. FIGHT FOR WHAT CAN BE THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE!! And don’t let the flame die out in him/her because you are too afraid to fight. There is no greater regret than knowing you still had a chance and you let it go.

Take my advice. Fight till you don’t love anymore. Then move on.  (Who knows maybe in that fight you gain more than you bargained for. Maybe you find that the person you are fighting for is worth it more than you thought.) Don’t let fear consume you. 

Falling in love with an illusion

Love is a hormonal or chemical reaction in our body. So why does it sometimes hurt so much? Couldn’t there be a pill invented to just fall out of love? Oh how I wish that was true.

But is love always “Love”? Sorry to say but most times it isn’t. True love is something totally different from what we sometimes think is love.

Most times we fall in love with an illusion.

The beginning of a relationship is always so great. The girls is always fixing herself up for her guy. And the guy acts like a total gentleman and everything the girl ever dreamed of. But is this who they really are? Of course not. People aren’t perfect. We all have flaws and some more than others. But since in the beginning we can’t see those flaws in others a veil is set over our eyes and we end up falling in love with the illusion of who these people are. We don’t listen to the warning signs around us that tell us what is underneath. So we fall in “Love”. Or at least that’s what it feels like.

Time goes by and we fall deeper and deeper into needing this person in our lives. We create a person in our minds who is perfect and everything we wanted. They are now on a pedestal  in our hearts and mind.

The problem with this is that no one can live up to that illusion we have created in our heads. They will make mistakes and they will hurt us sometimes. We aren’t ready for that let down and our image of them becomes scrambled.

Then later we find out that it was all an illusion and as we see them walk out the door or find ourselves walking out of the door we are overcome with a sense of grief.

When a person dies you bury them and grieve for them. But how can you bury an illusion? It is impossible to bury something that is not real. So the grief process is now longer. It’s harder. Because first you have to find a way to accept the fact that this person you built up never even existed. You have to kill the illusion and then bury the relationship. Unfortunately this makes the grieving process is twice as long.  

So how do you know if you are in love with an illusion or the real thing?

Step 1: Does the person live up to the hype or does he/she constantly let you down?

If they are constantly letting you down then probably you have unrealistic expectations of who they are. And either you face reality and learn to love who this person really is or you need to let him/her go.

Step 2: Do you give as much as you want to get back?

Most people with this problem might actually have realistic expectations and is not in love with an illusion. The problem is sometimes YOU who wants and wants but doesn’t live up to the illusion he/she has from you.

(Example: In my previous relationship I wanted and expected my significant other to spend quality time together and come closer everyday. When she never seemed to make time for me I shut down and stopped being the man she wanted. If she had found the time to spend with me her illusion of me would have stayed real and I would have kept being that great guy)

Step 3: Do you expect for things to never change?

A big problem with people is that they don’t understand a simple truth of life. Things are ever-changing. Nothing stays the same for more than a second. Our emotions are a roller-coaster. Our lives are out of our control. Time doesn’t stop. And who we are changes constantly even as we sleep.

So how can people expect others to not change in who they are. We are growing and becoming better. Unfortunately some people are growing and becoming worse. So before making plans about the perfect life with your significant other you need to place your feet firmly on the ground and ask yourself. “Do I love this person enough that if he/she changes into something bad I will still love him/her and stay with them through the bad and keep trying to help. Or do I have unrealistic expectations that he/she will ALWAYS stay this way and never change?

Step 4: Can you see their flaws?

Can you see their flaws and see your S.O. for all their good and bad? If you can and can accept how the negative makes you feel  vs  how the positive makes you feel then you are on the right track. You are falling in love with the person and not the illusion. If you can’t then  you are falling in love with an illusion.

Now let’s fast forward a little into the future. You have gone through all the ups and downs in your relationship. You have opened your eyes and seen who this person is and seen the reality of the situation. All the good and the bad has come and gone. You are realistic and know that staying with this person might mean more hurt or might mean a great life full of love.

Knowing all this you still want to be with this person because you love them with all their qualities and defects. Now you can be sure you LOVE him/her. The only question to ask yourself is this: Does he/she love you the same way? Has he seen you at your worse and still love you enough to say “I love you and still want a life with you”. If you can both say that then and mean it 100% then you are one step further to a real and honest relationship filled with understanding and love.

One person can’t carry a relationship. Many therapist say it’s a 50-50 effort. I am here to tell you they are wrong. It’s a 100-100 effort. You BOTH give it your all or you both fail miserably.

Fall in love with the person not the illusion. Everyone is flawed. But if you have found someone where you can see his flaws and still every bit of your heart wants to be with him/her and nothing can keep you away no matter how hard you try. RUN don’t walk into their arms. That is what love is all about. Reality not Disney magic. 

Follow your Heart

Society has become so used to giving up and taking the easy way out, that it makes me sad. Divorce rates rise each day and people have become so desensitized to it that it is now seen so natural.

Where has the sanctity of marriage gone?

I start my blog today with this thought because I read in support groups all the time people giving advice. Without even knowing all the facts and history behind a story the number one advice is always: Let go of him/her. Forget him/her.

Aren’t the best relationships built on rocks that had to be broken down to build that perfect home? Obstacles are put in our way everyday and especially in our relationships to make us stronger and keep fighting for the ones we love. That is what love is all about.

I understand that if a person is with a cheater or a rapist or an abuser then yes they need to get out quick before they get hurt further.

What about the other millions of failed marriages or failed relationships that failed because one or the other just didn’t try hard enough? They then have to go through so much suffering and one day look back and ask themselves: Could I have done more?

Reality comes back to bite us when we least expect it. And when it does, I want to be able to say: “I did everything I could and it wasn’t my fault in the end.”

It’s ok to follow your heart. If you love someone and they have made a mistake and hurt you? Forgive them when you are able to. Work with them. Talk with them. (Don’t talk at them) and find peace in both your hearts. You will see that most times part of the blame falls back on you as well and if you are humble enough to see it your relationship will be that much greater in the future.

So you have been apart for years and still love each other and still want to be together? What’s wrong with that. If you are both still in love and can forgive each other for everything you have done while you were apart. Then what greater thing than going back and embracing that person you love more than anything else in this world.

There are very few good Women out there and unfortunately there are very few good Men out there as well. If you have found that love and have lost it because you hurt each other too much then all I can say is: Stop wasting your time trying to convince yourself of what is right and wrong. Your heart is telling you what it wants. Odds are you will never be happy again until you have followed your heart and fought for what you love.

Fears are a big issue. How many of us has asked ourselves this question: “But if I forgive him/her or take him/her back, what if he/she hurts me again?

My Answer: Do you love him/her? Is he/she a good person inside?

If you can answer yes to both these questions, then you have your answer. A good man/woman who you love without holding back is usually a person who is worth giving a million chances to get it right. And let’s not forget they are human and so are you. You probably have made many mistakes that have hurt him/her as well. So why not own up to those mistakes. See yourself in the mirror and be true to your heart.

There are many cases where these ideas don’t apply. If a person has cheated on you then probably they don’t deserve a second chance. If a person abuses you then they definitely don’t deserve any more chances. But in the relationships that have failed because of fears, doubts, lack of communication, outside influences, etc…  and there is still love from both parties then there is a chance for forgiveness and with that a chance for a better brighter future.

As I said before: Some (most) relationships deserve a second, third, fourth, a million chances. And if it’s still doesn’t work? Some deserve a million and one.

Don’t give up on your dreams and never give up on the people you love. If you do then you probably  didn’t truly love them.

Follow your heart. It might get you into trouble but it will never let you regret. 

REALITY

Reality is a touchy subject. What is real?

A closed minded person believes everything we can touch or see to be real. But then if I can see it and touch it but in a different perspective then doesn’t that make my sense of reality different from my friend’s?

The truth is that NOTHING is real. Reality is an illusion. It is all in our minds.

What one person sees as beautiful another might see as ugly. What one person sees as good another might see as bad.

Understanding this helps us be able to understand that if nothing is real except in our minds then we control what we let in and what we don’t. We control how we view our surroundings and what we allow to be real for us.

Isn’t that great? To know how much power our mind gives us that we can control the reality around us?

So how do we use this to our advantage?

Simple. We start by changing our bad habits. Throughout our lives we accumulate bad habits in our daily lives. Especially in our thinking. We let so much trash enter our brains everyday. We lose the habit of being patient and become impatient. We forget our manners and learn to be selfish in our ways. Little by little we forget to be our good selves and become bitter.

If we see our lives in a different perspective our reality changes. It changes into what we want it to be. That is the power of the mind. That is the power we have in us.

How to begin to make that change:

1-      Understand that nothing is real. Reality is only what we accept as real.

2-      When bad things happen, stop and breathe, then view things in a calm way and try to find the silver lining. Try to view everything you are viewing as “bad” as a learning experience. Change it in YOUR mind.

3-      Change your habits. As you change your habits and view things differently you will learn to be a happier person. You will start to create Good Habits and let go of the bad habits you have accumulated in your life.

4-      Learn to put things in perspective. Ask yourself: Will this still be as bad in a year? Is this really as bad as I am making it out to be? If I was not the one in this situation what advice would I give the person that was?

Put things into a different perspective. Once you have changed your way of thinking your attitude and your life will change as well.

Reality is a concept. Some people see a horse and see beauty. Others see an animal. Others see a tool for work.  To every person seeing the same horse the reality is different.

Same as beauty. Ever heard the phrase “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder”? This is where that comes from. A woman or man could not be pleasing to the eye but to that one person who is in love he/she is the most beautiful person in the world. Nobody understands why. But that is the person’s reality. It is all in the head.

So change your reality today. Work to see things as YOU want them to be viewed and not as your emotions tell you they are or as society forces you to view them. 

How To Get Over Your Ex

As my first blog, and my first entry I decided on this topic because it hits really close to home.
For months I struggled with the question:  How do I get over my ex?
I did it all. I joined support groups. I went to therapy. I took my meds. I wrote a book. I fought through the pain. I tried dating again. I exercised. I did charity work. I did it ALL.
So why couldn't I do it. I asked and everyone had a different answer. Me a grown man couldn't get over a 3 year relationship. I was devastated. I fell into a deep depression. And nothing worked.
Almost a year later and after giving up on everything I had a revelation. I was laying in my bed crying and realized that I wasn't getting over my ex not because I wasn't doing everything right. It was a lot simpler than that. I was trying to get over the wrong idea.
It wasn't my ex I had to get over. It was the way she hurt me. In a nutshell let me explain how she hurt me. She slept around then blamed me. She would constantly lie but acted like she was always honest. She used men all the time because she craves attention. She needs attention.
Ok that is just a summary because the reasons I got hurt aren't important. Everyone's story is different. Wheather you are a man or woman it doesn't matter. Hurt is hurt.
So the big question is: How do you get over your ex??
This is what worked for me.
1-  Never leave them on a pedastle.
They don't belong there and I am sure they were imperfect. Getting over someone who you admire and see as perfect is impossible. For the rest of your lives you will be comparing them to other people you meet. You need to drop that image of perfection. The problem is how?
Here are a few easy steps;

• Make a list of all the things that he/she did to hurt you. 
• Make a list of all the things that used to bother you about him/her.
• Erase ALL the pictures of you two and the good times together. 
• Bad mouth him/her when the subject comes up.
• Ask your friends to give you their honest opinion. (You might be surprised as to what they have to say)
• Understand that they are human and not Angels or Superhuman

2- NO CONTACT:
The N.C. rule is the number one advice by therapists. But that is hard work when you are still admiring your ex. So in my opinion it comes a distant second. You will continue to want to contact him/her because you still think they are worth contacting. Once they are off the pedastle N.C. is easier to handle.
So why is this an important step? Because it helps you calm down and sort out your feelings. After some time you might realize you don't even want your ex back. You may realize you are better off without him/her. Anything can happen.
Second: because it gives your ex a chance to miss you and realize on their own if they want to look for you or want you to look for them. If after the first month of NC your ex still hasn't tried to contact you, then you have your answer to what they really feel.

3- Slash and Burn:
Slash and burn is a very easy step to take and one of the most liberating. It consists of giving away, burning, throwing away, slashing every single memory of your ex. If there is a teddy bear or a jewel or a book or anything that is a reminder of your ex it's time to burn it. But it can't be done all at once. There is a ritual involved. You need to actually burn these things. When it's expensive things like jewlery make sure you give it away to someone who you will never see again. Sell the jewelery and use the money for charity. With every single email you erase. For every single teddy bear you kill. For every single letter you burn. A release needs to be felt. You need to let go of the memories that corresponds to each of these items. Once done. Cry and say goodbye. It's ok to cry as long as it's a way of release of the pain and a goodbye to the memories.

4- Selfishness:
Now it's time to focus on YOU. Your ex is dead. The man/woman you knew and loved does not exist anymore. They have changed or maybe they never existed except in your mind. So now it's time to bury them and start to work on yourselves. This has two steps to it:

• Grieve: Allow yourself time to grieve for the departed. The dead deserve to be grieved. The living don't. The man/woman who still lives isn't worth your tears or time. But the man/woman that died does. But understand that they are dead. So if you need to cry for those memories lost, dreams broken, that  perfect person that was in your mind and is now in the ground, then CRY. Cry till you have no tears. There isn't a time frame for this step. Some people go through it in a day some take years. But it is grieving for the departed. Not for the one that lives. Understand that well. 
• Pick yourself up and move on. It's easier said than done. Some people need meds to be able to do this. Others need to find God. Some only need their friends. The stronger ones only need to wipe their tears and say "ENOUGH". Whatever you need to do find your own path and follow it. You will find a way out if you keep searching. But for this you need to crawl when you can't walk, walk when you can't run, and run when you are at your strongest. Just never stand still. Never let time heal your wounds. You must work at it and time will help you as long as you are helping yourself. 

5- Acceptance:

Accept Reality. He/She is gone. The person you knew doesn't exist. They are moving on and probably in another relationship. So it's time to see them for what they are now. They are strangers. Someone we used to know but somehow don't know anymore. They are just another face in the crowd of people who we don't know. 

Accept your reality that they are not coming back. And most of those who decide to come back return for selfish reasons so they are not worth it either. Time face your reality. You are sad your ex isn't. You are grieving, your ex isn’t. You loved him/her, your ex probably never did. You have been weak, your ex wasn’t. If this wasn’t true then your ex would have looked for you at one point. They didn’t because they just don’t care.

So accept your reality. Live your PRESENT, let go of the PAST, and don’t worry about the FUTURE.

SIDE NOTE: This will only work for you if you were the one that got hurt. If you loved and did things right.

If you were the one who cheated or left then this is not for you. What you need to do is own up to your mistakes and say you’re sorry first. After you have apologized and made amends then you can start this process in which to learn to let go.

Always own up to your mistakes and fight to make them right. After you have done so and your ex still wants nothing to do with you then start your process.

GOOD LUCK EVERYONE (hope this helps a little)